“An eye for and eye makes the whole world blind”-Brendan Omicioli. Just kidding, -Gandi. As humans it is so hard for us to graps this idea. We think that punishment will lead to something better, that punishment may even lead to peace. Well sorry to break the news to you, but the history of the world shows it does not. Just look around you, look at the war, look at your life even.
Today in English class we talked about flogging people instead of throwing them in prision. What a great idea, some people thought. Well I just can not agree with them at all. Sure they will be humiliated and have scars, but won’t that make people want to kill or steal or whatever even more. These scars would remind me how much society hate me, thinks I’m worthless, or even better then me.
Now I said that in some case the victums family sometimes take the murder, or rapist, or whatever in. They forgive him, show him love, and try to help them in any way they can. Now this takes a lot of balls to do this, and it is every rare to hear about, but it does happen. And when they do this people change. People do not change because they are told it is wrong. They change because they figured out that it is wrong. They would change because of love.
Now if we can think this is an acceptable idea at such a high level then why the heck should we even consider this loving eachother in our everyday lives. I believe when situations get elevated to such a high level people tend to see the truth because they search really hard for it. (That probably does not make sense but just go with me here). So if we think that flogging is ok, or acceptable on such a high level then what about our everyday experiences and choices we do not really think about. Does it just come natural to hate.
I am not sure exactly what I am trying to say, but I know we need to love and not hate. And if we can’t even love in elevated situations when it should come naturally then why would we even love in simple ones.
Lately I’ve felt like crap. I’m lost, and I have not intention to be found. I am sick of God. I want to read abbout Him and engulf myself in Him, but I’m just not really in the mood.
Life has been tough the past few days for no reason. Nothing bad has really happend, I am sorta just getting stressed out on life. I want this week to pass. I want states to be over with. I don’t want to worry about wrestling. And I don’t want to give a speech at the legion today. I have to talk about Boys State. Now, Boys State made me realize how much I dislike the military and government. I just think they are just a bunch of brainwashed robots. I need to get away from this idea, it is only affecting how I see people. I need to love people, not hate them for what they do.
I am just sick of life. I want to fight God for no reason. I want to lose. I want to feel Him like I did before. I want to stop running away from Him.
Sometimes little things can make or break my day. Just a smile or a hi. Maybe even a “top of the mornin”, it happens. And I love when this happens when I do not expect it. It all makes me so happy. So thank you everyone who has ever said hi to me when I seemed said or even just waved. It all means so much more to me then you will realize. So gracias everyone =]
I can’t decide on a topic for this post. I haven’t really writen anything in awhile and now I got a lot on my mind. So hopefully this sorta flows, if not I really tried.
I am more valuable then the sun. This is what I have come to realize. I believe God created the most beautiful, complex, and valuable things in order in genesis. So humans are the most valuable to Him because they were made on the 6th day. Women are the most beautiful…hands down, they were made after Adam and they were the last things made. More beautiful then everything on this round ball. This makes sense in my mind, so I also am wondering if the heavens are simple or something because he made that and the earth first. Idk really, this is just my idea. O and did you know that Adam named Eve. And he didn’t name her untill after the fall? why not, why didn’t she need a name… or else she just messed it all up before Adam had a chance to give her a name… haha… women screw everything up… just playing.
So I am more valuable then the sun. I know this, but then at the same time I am sorta not in the mood for God. It sounds terrible, and I know that I am happiest when I am surrounded by God. But I just sorta want to keep my distance, the world is getting to me maybe. I don’t know, its very stupid, but it is how I have felt the past week. I’m struggling to read books I once loved, books that intrest me. I just don’t want to take the time to read them even if the do interest me.
Now this does not tie in with anything, but I think we have to learn to love. Recently I have learned to love different kinds of music. For some reason I started listening to Bob, and I learned to love him. But only because I saw other people love him. I am now learning to the the avett’s. Only because Kim and Marya are in love with them. We learn to love. We learn from the people around us, the things we see, and from the God who loves us. Once a man told me he did not know what love was untill he had his first child. This man was married, he lived life to the fullest, he was a Christian. His first real encounter with love was because of something so precious that he made. Something that he would give his everything for. he never knew what love was, he never knew untill he created something. This is how God loves us, but so much more. He creatted us and he loves us just that much more. And it is just crazy to think he didn’t think that getting married or having sex was his greatest form of love. It is just so nuts to think about. He was shown to love by God. Shown the value of his child, and the pain of losing a child also…
So this was all over and sorta a wierd ending I guess, but it has been my past week. The stuff that has been in and out of my head.
Last Friday was my last counties race for xc. That course was pretty much my home course because I ran that thing so many times. I loved it though, it was by far my favorite.
So it was a typical race for me nothing special happend, I did not do as good as I would have liked to, but I can’t complain. But this blog is not about my race at all. It is more about the course. Trails that I have run on for the past six years. Through the leaves, snow, mud, rain, and sun.
I ran those trails one last time by myself and I just sorta reflected on everything.I thought about how fast time flies. I remembered always having another year to do better when I failed. Always having that fourth, third, second chance. Now its over. Its done with and I can never go back.
This happens to everyone, they look back and wonder where it all went. As I was running through the leaves one last time there I was thinking about how many people have run this before me. How many people ran this same course. Putting all their hopes and dreams in this course. Studying every turn, every hill, and angle. Pouring out their blood, sweat, and tears on these trails.These trails have painted faces upon faces with mud. It seemed like some sacred ground. A place filled with respect.
And I was done. Forever, I was done running on these paths. My life was done with this chapter. On to the next one I go.
As a young lad I learned in sunday school to love my neighbor. Jesus said this, and He meant it, but maybe He meant it in a different way then just a sunday school lesson.
As I grew up I also learned about our country. I learned about national pride and crap like that. I experienced 9/11 in fourth grade. That is when I saw the most national pride ever. Our country got all pumped up like a volleyball game to go and blow some terrorists heads off. We let our emotions control us and we went balls to the wall into this war.
Now I will admit I am no expert on war, or this war in particular. But what I do know is that Jesus told me to love my neighbor. He meant to love everyone we come in contact with. Everyone…
Then I sorta realized if I want to really follow this man I should do what he does right? So this man died for everyone, He gave up his life for the sinners like yu and me, for the money controling CEO’s, the Hitler’s, and even the terrorists. Maybe I am not called to die for these people, but what I am called to do is to love them atleast.
I am called to love them with all my heart. He wants me to love them just as much as He loves me, which is beyond my imagination.
So maybe I souldn’t support the war. Maybe I shouldn’t hate these people. I am not of this world. I am set apart, and so my ideas need to be to.
I sat there on my bed thinking about how I need to love everyone. All I could do is sit there. I couldn’t even comprehend this. I am called to love everyone…Everyone…
So this is what I gotta do, so wish me luck because its my job to love the terrorists.
If my life was a comic I believe it would look something like this…
Born in 1991, a villian from the start. Trying to find my way in the world, but never knowing where to turn. The only thing that I know is the calling of evil through my veins.
As life goes on I start to flirt with this thing called sin. I hate it, but enjoy it so much; it seems so natural to me. Life passes by, but this feeling never goes away… I can only flirt with it so long before I start dating it. Soon I become a monster crazed with the objective to be loved. I realize when I become this monster I only hurt myself and everyone around me. But I can’t shake this thirst to be loved so I give in, again, and again, and again.
I notice that everyone around me is a villian also. We all have our different levels of evil. Some are just flirting with sin, some are taking it home and embracing it. But we all feel this inner calling to it.
One day a boy shows up, he talks about having to die to truly live. He claims he can rid us of this evil inside. I don’t understand, because it is all I kno. He is poor, ugly, and homeless. He wonders around with a few crazy people follwing him. Then one day he is beaten; and killed.
He claimed down this longing in my veins, but never truly got rid of it. It is still there, and always will be. But he gave me something called grace, this poor boy gave me a gift I could never repay. He gave me life after my death.
Maybe this isn’t so much a comic, but a story of superheros, or something. I know it sounds lame, but I hate the sin in my life. I flirt with it so much and then all of a sudden it is in the same bed as me. I just lose control, I give it up. I find myself only knowing two words after that. I’m sorry. i repeat it over and over, but I know He heard me the first time. I just can not think of any other words. And I hate myself, I hate who I am and what I’ve done. I know it is ok because of His gift, but I still hate myself. Why am I this villian? Always belonging to evil. I just can not handle it. I need to give it over and just accept this gift… I’m too tired to go on my own.
“Sometimes the things you want most in life are the things that will kill you”.-Donald Miller
This is not an exact quote, but I think it makes the same point.
So I’m a senior, and last night was my last homecoming. But I didn’t go. I think I sorta wanted to go, but then at the same time I didn’t. I knew I would feel uncomfortable dancing all “freaky” and stuff but something inside me wants to also. I think its wrong to an extent because its pretty much like having sex out on the school gym (that is just what I have come to think though). But then at the same time I want to be like that. The guy inside me wants that. I know its gross and wrong and girls probably think its gross, but all guys want that. Deep inside almost all guys are gross. I hate it.
Last year I went to homecoming. Last year dancing lead into kissing… Sorry to that girl if you are reading this. Men are sluts. That is pretty much my main point of this. So I wanted to go to homecoming, but I did not want to release my inner slut. Thats really it. And I’m happy that I didn’t go and do anything stupid. But I find myself looking on facebook and reading what people had to say about homecoming. It seems like everyone had a great time, and it makes me sad. But I have to remember what donald miller said, then everything makes sense and it feels worth it.
p.s. Homecoming is not the devil, but for me it may just release my inner slut.
Amazing grace how sweet the sound… At the age of ten I was forced into going to this conservative christian camp. It was a good week full of bible verses and basketball games. At that age everyone is around the same height so I was still good at basketball and thought I could be pro… Well that didn’t really happen since I am 18 and around 5′ 4” right now. So we had worship services (church) three times a day, they really wanted to drill this God thing in our heads I think. But anyway I remember one service in particular. There was this girl, she was probably 16 or so and she was blind. But this didn’t stop her from mastering the keys on a piano. for this service she was going to do a special performance for us. I didn’t really think anything of it, I was just confused how she could play the piano while being blind. She sang this song and I had no clue what it was talking about. I knew it said the words blind and grace so I figured her name was grace (I wasn’t too bright at that age, I’m still not really).
A few years later I realized what she was singing and what it meant to an extent. She was singing about this thing called grace not her name. But what is this thing really, we hear that it is so amazing, but can we really say how amazing it is, or even put words to describe it.
I can’t even count how many times I screw up in a day. From everything I do to what I think, my life is just a mess and if you don’t agree with me try to not think anyrthing bad or mean or hurtful for a week, even just a day. I can’t comprehend all the sin I built up in my life, its probably ten times worse then the Holocaust. Sure I may not have killed 6 million jews, but maybe I thought about it (joking).
So this grace takes all of that away??? This amazing grace wipes me clean so all of that goes away? Why? Because we are loved, but why? why? why? how can you love this? I just don’t understand.
And that is the beauty of it all. We can’t understand it, but we can feel it, we know its true, we know its real. Everything around us points to this. There are arrows all around us that we just ignore everyday. All pointing to this God I can’t understand. And this amazing grace I can never comprehend.
Today was an interesting day I guess you could say. I decided I hate Kim because she goes against everyting I do and say. I think she agrees with me, but just wants to argue for the most part. But anyway. So I ran with kevin today and I just yelled at him for a solid 30 minutes during our run. Untill we got to the corner with Subway on it (I’m not sure if it is Buffalo or Jamestown). But we got to this street and and then we ran across it. Sounds pretty normal for xc runners, and it is. The point of this story is that I didn’t look up when we crossed the road. I put my complete trust in Kevin and just followed him.
I could have died crossing that street. I pretty much put my life in Kevin’s hands. And I know it sounds dumb, but I really don’t look when I cross when I’m with Kevin. I’ve been doing this for sometime now. I don’t know why I have so much faith in the kid, but I do. I know he won’t lead mer astray…. or kill me (on most days).
What I’ve realized with this is that we need to give God that much trust. Sorry if I sound all churchy, I really don’t want to but thats sorta where I am going with this. Do we really trust God with our lives? Heck I don’t trust God enough to do simple things, how can I expect myself to trust Him with my life. I just don’t put enough faith in Him. But I can somehow put more faith in a human then the thing that made the human??? Why do I feel like that? I think its normal, but why?God has control over everything, but we are too scared to give Him a chance because we think He might screw our lives up… And He probably will. If you give Him the chance He will do some crazy things I believe. But just because they are crazy doesn’t mean they are bad. Its so scary to trust God, because you never know what He is going to want you to do. I guess thats all I got to say about that… And Kim I don’t really hate you, but I don’t understand why you always argue with me when we pretty much think the same way…Maybe i’m woring, but I don’t really care right now (and I’m always right lol just playing, wink wink).
